Valley Girl Intelligentsia

*WARNING. SCROLL WITH CAUTION SOME IMAGES ARE NSFW*

Way to jump on a trend 5 years after it started NY Times: photographed celebs throw on a T-shirt, appear fresh faced with a look of pognaincy and smug self-satisfaction, urging you to buy a t-shirt to support whatever useless non-profit they donated to.

I have no tolerance or respect for millionaries who throw on a T-shirt and call it activism. Throwing on a T-shirt? I do that shit everyday. Sometimes I even put on a pair of pants. Every couple of days I brush my teeth. I go out there and  I do my job which is to organize non union workers, fight the boss, lose sleep, eat shit and then I'm supposed to have Christy Turlington shame me into a buying a pink rubber bracelet?

Ugh you can your donate your mouth to my nuts, Christy (why don't have nuts? that would make that joke so much better!)  Ya'll have seen hundreds of the ads I'm talking about. But really none compare to one particular AIDS campaign that made we want to have unprotected sex with multiple partners, roll around in used needles, and blow some Balitmore vagrants rather than donate to their campaign. I present it to thee:

Now I would like to show you some good ads. Creative and terrifying. They deliver their message clearly with the right balance of cheekiness AND gravity.

 

Darlings! I've been work-traveling and new-blogging and work-quiting and getting addicted to sleeping pills (who else is on the ambien train to bliss? Choo choo). Needless to say: I'm embarrassed that I haven't updated is like 8 -days. 8 days is the blog equivalent of child neglect and abuse. I'll be back up and running on monday. In the meantime.Enjoy this hiptard:

I WAS STUCK IN AN AIRPORT DURING THE PROJECT RUNWAY FINALE. I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHO WON. BRAVO IS NOT REPLAYING THE FINALE FOR SOME REASON!!! SOME ONE HALP!! IS THIS BITCH ONLINE????

SHOCKING NEWS: WOMEN (AND WITTY VERBOSE TEENS NAMED AFTER ALASKAN CITIES) WHO ARE PREGGERS CAN FIND OUT THE SEX OF THEIR BABEH BY BUYING A KIT.

Hooray! Right? Now you can decide whether to name your baby Apple or Brooklyn months before you even show your baby bump. Now as more and more consumers have been getting their swollen hands on gender detecttin kits there’s has been greater media scrunity about the sex-selective abortions in Tha Third World.

As we’ve known for a while those of us with vaginas have less labor market value in developing countries.

So what if the tests tells you’re going to squeeze out a boy and lo and behold your infant has a cooter betwixt her legs? What if you live the lush and litigious First World? Well, you sue the shit out of some one.

According to the LA times:”More than 100 women have filed a lawsuit against Acu-Gen and its owner, Chang-ning Wang, that is pending in federal court. At least one customer has been questioned by the FBI.” Wang (heh) has repeatedly declined to discuss the scientific validity of the test. So the suing is just none-sense, if you carry the kid in your body for 9 months and pop it out the last thing that should be on your mind is refund. Buyer beware and all that shit. The real question at hand, is whether its cool, in first world country, abort a baby based on sex. The question has been less taboo in places like China and India where the amount of males in a household and can sink or save a family.

And here in the US the gender selection taboo is slowly being broken.

But there is a difference here. In a country such as ours, where the gender ratio in the household isn’t as closely linked to financial stability, it comes down to a question of want.

Whether or not you want a boy or a girl or not? Of course this brings up all sorts of thorny nuanced issues, but ultimately I believe that if you don’t want the kid for whatever reason, then don’t have it. Whether its for financial or emotional reasons or the fact that you had your cold heart set on naming your new son Preston, you don’t want it, don’t have it. Its your vag, live how you please.

But what do you think?

comment or check out this nifty poll!

Hi friend, ex-lover, family member, mentor, bitter rival:

Its called:
Hey, Be Us!
www.heybeus.com

It's a scrappy, foul-mouthed, feminine take on politics, culture, fashion, and DC.

The blog is me and an other fantastic writer --we always want contributers-- named Tess.
 We are pithy. We are smart. We are pretty. We want you to read us.

I will not be this neglecting blog. This blog is like my first child --the one that survived the abortion.

OPEN COMMENTING!! ROCK IT!!!! IT DOESN'T SUCK! GO now!!

Like some mighty Norse deity, this election hath giveth and it hath taketh away.

This election smitted (smoted? past tense: to smite) the cult, kitsch, ironic status of Chuck Norris, who turned out to be a douchebag with a gun and an irrational fear of Persian Princes.

And the election breathed new life into an aging internet meme: LOLcats. Now the time has come to mix hilarious of pictures cats and give them earnest pro-Obama sayings.And it was good.

 ZOMG!!1 I luv this so much. I'm Hai on Hope!

drumroll....

Puritan Medical Cervical Scrapers.

i often find cervical scrapers to be dripping with comedy, but this takes the absolute  vaginal cupcake.

I spent a few hours kicking around the urgent care in my neighborhood and I saw a box of this product on the shelf. I didn't have the balls to steal it for you, dear readers, but  here's proof.

Ah, everytime I think irony is dead, some cervical scraping device and rekindles my hope.

Too burnt out, too committed, too talented, too enraged with bullshit at my work to blog about anything besides my own unique blend of superiority and self pity. So in order to avoid a livejournal-esque post allow me to share my favorite that things have been said about The Wire on Salon.com recentley. This one quote rings so true to me it makes my breath catch:

"In David Simon's hopelessly corrupt system, idealists don't just stagnate, they aren't merely forced to accept mediocrity. True idealists are eventually cast out as pariahs or lunatics."

Obama on Omar

Obama and had a chance to meet him, told the Sun that Obama’s favorite TV show is his own: HBO’s “The Wire,” which chronicles Baltimore’s violent drug culture and the police who quixotically try to stop it.

Obama told the Sun his favorite character is Omar, a stick-up artist who steals from drug dealers and then gives the loot to poor people in the neighborhood.

“That’s not an endorsement. He’s not my favorite person, but he’s a fascinating character.”

Is Obama like Carcetti?
Like Obama, Carcetti is a gifted speaker with a great disdain for politics as usual. He's inspiring -- last season he got me, at least, believing that he'd change everything, that he'd give Baltimore the new day it deserved. (I almost bought this T-shirt!)

But change didn't come. As Daniels is just now starting to realize, Carcetti's all talk, and unwilling to do anything that might help the city if it also hurts his maneuvering for higher office. Let's not forget that the reason the city is broke is Carcetti's refusal to take the state bailout for the schools (so that he could do well in the governor's race). Is David Simon telling us to be wary of politicians who promise a new day -- that inspiration doesn't count?

Yeah, I don't find the serial killer twist real either
Am I the only one who's just bored by the whole McNulty fakes a serial killer thing? It's exciting in some sense, but I just can't force myself to believe it, and the key for me with this show has always been its essential realness. First off, I don't know that I can see any cop -- even Jimmy McNulty -- going this far, and I sure as hell can't see Lester Freamon going along with it. Sure, Freamon's always been willing to tweak a boss or two, but remember a while back when he went off on McNulty and Kima Greggs for bucking (then Lt.) Daniels? And now he's going to get in on a felony or two? It's not just disappointing; it's surreal.

On the evil phony journo Scott:
But isn't Tom McCarthy the perfect guy to play such an ambitious, sniveling weasel? We've all worked with smug little opportunistic pudwhackers like that before, and not just at newspapers or magazines -- I think there might be one in every office in America.

"Fuck the bosses"
The rise of Marlo in the wake of Prop Joe's fall was also riveting. I kept wondering why the other guys at the co-op wouldn't just take Marlo out, but I guess he's their link to the Greek's product now, so they have to play nice. Everybody, from the guys in the newsroom to the guys in city hall to the guys on the street, must take their marching orders from bad, bad bosses.

"His resolution far exceedeth all"
However clever and ruthless the other drug lords in "The Wire," they all have other desires, whether it's the basic gangster hedonism of Avon, Stringer Bell's hunger for legitimacy or Prop Joe's hankering to play Woodrow Wilson. Marlo simply wants to rule, for its own sake.

Coda for the Corner boys
I'd been wondering about last season's corner kids -- that is, the ones who haven't been spit-shining their homicide skills -- and hoping that maybe somewhere, outside the frame, Randy and Namond were making out with girls, giggling, and otherwise enjoying an adolescence safely out of the game. So I was heartbroken to see Randy appear this episode, dead-eyed and thuggish. Of all the kids from season four, Randy was the one with the wit and what seemed to be an irrepressible spark, but as he slammed a kid against the wall while strutting up the stairs at the boys home, it was clear that the battle for his soul had been lost. No one ever did look out for Randy; his coda is damn bleak.

McNulty: Huckster or Hero?
More to the point, Simon and Co. have done something really dangerous here, turning his swashbuckling anti-heroes into amoral hucksters. And that's not criticism -- I'm gripped by it.Didn't you think for a minute, when McNulty first spotted Donald, that he might kill him? I was a little worried, I have to admit. Even though he only conveniently relocated him to DC, the scene where Donald is fumbling for his sandwich makes it painfully clear that we're supposed to experience McNulty's latest outrageous maneuver as deeply, horribly wrong. McNulty's gone off the reservation completely, and Freamon is too caught up in the freedom provided by such an elaborate deception to see how ethically questionable their actions have become.

McNulty makes it rain
When McNulty offers to help one guy, and then ends up with a steady stream of cops who want to pilfer the resources allocated to his homeless-killer case, we see his true colors.McNulty can't say no to these people, many of whom just want to do good work and get paid for it. For all of the ethical lapses of this scheme by McNulty and Freamon, clearly they're two individuals who are consumed by their desire to get results and put the bad guys away. Idealists like that don't end up in positions of power like Davis and Carcetti and even Daniels do, because they don't know how to turn their backs on people who need their help

.

"Goodnight popo, goodnight fiends, goodnight hoppers, goodnight hustlers, goodnight scammers." -- Greggs
Leave it to "The Wire" to make that sentiment sound so sweet.

ps. did any one else freak out about the Nick Sobtka cameo??????!!?!?!

Hey this post features nipples! Keep reading!

(The term 'cuntlove' comes from the best book evar for any young, feisty, feminist: Cunt by Igna Muscio. It's a little crunchy earth/moon/tides/goddess-y but it shaped my whole concept of modern feminism. you should buy it for your daughter, best friend, awesome boyfriend, congressman.)

Hey, remember that totally irrelevant, ridiculous, creepy Vanity Fair spread of "breakout" actresses, that you know, all sucked?  --- by the by, following in the vein unoriginal, recycled, grasping for the glory days, crap New York magazine has decided to "recreate" the famous naked Marlyn Monroe photo shoot with a naked Lindsay Lohan. Really? Way to stay on the cutting edge of relevancy New York mag. I can't wait til your city is fortified with rich mommies who wouldn't know current culture if it stuck its big freckled titty in their face.

ANYWAYS!

Any one who has had to sit through a movie with me knows that I hate just about every actress out there (Drew Barrymore, seriously, why did this woman ever have a career? And Scarjo is just a pair of lips and tits). Now this isn't all the actresses fault, there are no good roles for women these days. Name 3 great female movie characters of the past ten years who weren't hookers, victims, and doormats. You simply can't (Felicity Huffman and Cate Blancette don't count! they were dudes!)

Emma Thompson, Dierdre Lovejoy, Lorraine Bracco, Edie Motherfucking Falco, Melora Hardin, Helena Bonham-Carter, Julie Delpy, Amy Ryan, Molly Parker, Tina Fey, Leslie Mann, Laura Linney, The Ice QUEEN! Tilda Swinton!

Old Spice. Rep it!  Btw, have you joined the advertising group on vox yet?

Tangential side note: Wilco is some pussy bullshit. ughhhhhhh. Documentaries about bands are nonsense. Millionaires with guitars are fucking boring. This folk emo shit needs some more car crashes and group sex scenes.

First of all: minor tribute to Cavalli: his amazingness = off the charts. He was so positive and encouraging! He could have been a total douche but instead he was like a giant European snuggle fest!

This an actual designer who makes (slightly) wearable dresses that, when I sell out and become a lobbyist for Big Pharma, I will spend all of my blood money on. Cavalli knows how to design beautiful dresses that are dramatic and sophisticated. Finally! They brought on some big guns for this final challenge.

Let's start from the top.

TEAM FAT CHRS MAKES IT TO BRYANT PARK!
INSPIRES ROBERTO CAVALLI!
NAPS!
I know Tim Gunn was all types of disappointed in Chris for napping during designated "freak out time", but Chris is a big man it takes more to keep him going! His blood sugar was low! Now granted the neck was too similar to his couture piece, but Cavalli loved it, and what he says goes. I personally want to be married, divorced, and buried in this dress.

Jillian and her botox enema's irritates me to no end, but lets face it people, she IS the most talented. Too bad she has a personality like a pap smear.

Really though, when did Sweet P ever make anything with a decent level of taste? And in the words of fashion maven Neeeena Garrrrsea none of her clothes were "expensive looking" which is totes the first rule of fashion. Her dress was inspired by a peacock wings!  PEACOCK!  WINGS!  Let me tell you something I know some one who fashioned their own wings for kicks! And they we're far more inspired. I've seen soup kitchens that had more joy and creativity than that dress.Good riddance.

 
Ugh Rami. You can drape Micheal Kors my balls your mouth for all i care. THERE ARE NO TEARS IN THE ISRAELI ARMY! MAN UP AND GO HOME!

I don't like this piece. I think Christian is talented but has not shown the ability to create anything of real sophistication. He has young, dramatic pieces but is always skirting the edge of some Versace sponsored abortion (go with it, it makes sense.)

Predicted winner: Jillian. The producers already chose they're bad boy last year and look how well that turned out.