25 posts tagged “ladies issues”

Let's not even acknowledge that I haven't blogged since the Carter administration. Moving on.

Our Blogging Forefathers

I.Have you guys read Emily Gould's NYT Mag piece about ejaculating personal psycho-dramas all over the interwebs?
It was really good. I suggest all female bloggers who have pounded out sad little diatribes about heart ache with their dampened, dainty fingers read it. Also if you've ever had a crush on a scruffy, eloquent jewish boy with a penchant for angry backlashes (ahem) you'll enjoy it too.

II. Do you get offended when close friends don't read your blog? And do you get embarrassed yet rightly indignant  when you say things aloud like "obviously, you don't read my blog, i posted about my late term abortion last week, so I don't even need need to re-tell you this story. Google it." My answers are yes and yes. People should read what I write, if you the balls to give me shit for not returning your phone call about your fucking GRE scores you can damn well read about my thoughts on Obama and menstruation. Jeez-us.

III. There's a stigma attached to blogging still, but its different than it used tobe right? It was originally rooted in theidea that blogging was for dorks. Fat, wiccan/virgin dudes who would blog in between creeping out young girls at the mall and their live action roll playing tournaments. Now that every health insurer, bank, and the Department of Defense has a blog, doesn't it feel somewhat ordinary to say that you 'blog?'  Is twittering hipper than blogging? In a space as vast as the internet is there such a thing as market saturation?

IV. Do you miss me? I'm nothing without you. I swear I'll change. Give me one more chance.

Jesus christ maybe i just need a fucking live journal.

greatest product name evar?: 'Intelligender'

SHOCKING NEWS: WOMEN (AND WITTY VERBOSE TEENS NAMED AFTER ALASKAN CITIES) WHO ARE PREGGERS CAN FIND OUT THE SEX OF THEIR BABEH BY BUYING A KIT.

Hooray! Right? Now you can decide whether to name your baby Apple or Brooklyn months before you even show your baby bump. Now as more and more consumers have been getting their swollen hands on gender detecttin kits there’s has been greater media scrunity about the sex-selective abortions in Tha Third World.

As we’ve known for a while those of us with vaginas have less labor market value in developing countries.

So what if the tests tells you’re going to squeeze out a boy and lo and behold your infant has a cooter betwixt her legs? What if you live the lush and litigious First World? Well, you sue the shit out of some one.

According to the LA times:”More than 100 women have filed a lawsuit against Acu-Gen and its owner, Chang-ning Wang, that is pending in federal court. At least one customer has been questioned by the FBI.” Wang (heh) has repeatedly declined to discuss the scientific validity of the test. So the suing is just none-sense, if you carry the kid in your body for 9 months and pop it out the last thing that should be on your mind is refund. Buyer beware and all that shit. The real question at hand, is whether its cool, in first world country, abort a baby based on sex. The question has been less taboo in places like China and India where the amount of males in a household and can sink or save a family.

And here in the US the gender selection taboo is slowly being broken.

But there is a difference here. In a country such as ours, where the gender ratio in the household isn’t as closely linked to financial stability, it comes down to a question of want.

Whether or not you want a boy or a girl or not? Of course this brings up all sorts of thorny nuanced issues, but ultimately I believe that if you don’t want the kid for whatever reason, then don’t have it. Whether its for financial or emotional reasons or the fact that you had your cold heart set on naming your new son Preston, you don’t want it, don’t have it. Its your vag, live how you please.

But what do you think?

comment or check out this nifty poll!

Hey this post features nipples! Keep reading!

(The term 'cuntlove' comes from the best book evar for any young, feisty, feminist: Cunt by Igna Muscio. It's a little crunchy earth/moon/tides/goddess-y but it shaped my whole concept of modern feminism. you should buy it for your daughter, best friend, awesome boyfriend, congressman.)

Hey, remember that totally irrelevant, ridiculous, creepy Vanity Fair spread of "breakout" actresses, that you know, all sucked?  --- by the by, following in the vein unoriginal, recycled, grasping for the glory days, crap New York magazine has decided to "recreate" the famous naked Marlyn Monroe photo shoot with a naked Lindsay Lohan. Really? Way to stay on the cutting edge of relevancy New York mag. I can't wait til your city is fortified with rich mommies who wouldn't know current culture if it stuck its big freckled titty in their face.

ANYWAYS!

Any one who has had to sit through a movie with me knows that I hate just about every actress out there (Drew Barrymore, seriously, why did this woman ever have a career? And Scarjo is just a pair of lips and tits). Now this isn't all the actresses fault, there are no good roles for women these days. Name 3 great female movie characters of the past ten years who weren't hookers, victims, and doormats. You simply can't (Felicity Huffman and Cate Blancette don't count! they were dudes!)

Well, bra-fucking-vo Vanity Fair just as I was ready to throw you on the sullied heap of rotting magazines (read: PRINT IS DEAD) you slap some starving starlets and a chubby minority on your cover and viola you have people talking about you again. While I wasn't a fan of last year's cover -- which featured a phallus loving Tom Ford and two of the most overrated actresses wrapped around him. Naked. Covered in Powder. Drenched in Suck -- I can say for certain that the new cover fills me with the type of ire i reserve strictly for ex-lovers and the film Crash.

 Side note: don't ever fire Christopher Hitchens, you're lucky you have such an intellectual titan working for your tawdry, tedious little rag.

Will the star of 'I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry' please rise?

And the way they're posed, all aristocratic, powdered, nose upturned, made to look like their so frail and delicate due to the fact that only purest of pure blue blood  pulsates EXCLUSIVELY through their viens. Arg! It  just stirs up all types of class resentment and body issues for me.  Seriously Vanity Fair you make my high come down! And honestly, how could they possibly ever top the fucking explosion of lasting talent the the class of 2000 had:

Meet the cast of Rollerball 2

Related:

Annals of Awful Advertising: Tom Ford is a Phallus

The funny, they have it.

Some contrarian lady in Canada said Feminism was out of style.

Well of course it's out of style.

Aren't all "-isms" out of style these days?

The author came to this conclusion because her young daughter didn't recognize Gloria Steinem or read  Ms. Magazine.

You know why your daughter didn't recognize those  two things? Because both of those institutions are out of touch and tedious.

That goes for you too Feministing.com. What a humorless, shrill, and soft-boiled "feminist" blog this is. It's hyper-politically correct and reckless its accusation of everything and everyone who isn't down at a CODE PINK rally being "sexist!". Not to completely diminish the work they do (some of it isn't half bad), but they lack female sensibility. There are NO dishy, coy, intimate, flirty posts because they iz a serious blog, and they need to be serious. If you want know what feminism looks like these days PLEASE go to jezebel.com.  Where not every single syllable is written in the name of bogus sisterhood.

What is great about jezebel is that it captures all of the contradictions and confusion leftover from the women's lib movement. There is an interest in fashion, sexuality, swooning over Ryan Goslings, as well hilariously astute criticism on pop culture.

While I still loudly and proudly refer to my self as a feminist -- not down wit da patriarchy, skeptical of gender assigned roles and emotions, healthy attitude about menstruation, well earned outrage when the time calls for it, kinda pissed off about the 70 cents to the dollar things (mama needs to get PAID!)-- the "feminism" of our mothers and grandmothers is outdated. That doesn't mean that its irrelevant, obtuse, or wrong. But the issues and the language of 1960's feminism are out of date. Kim Kardashian and Hillary Clinton both dominating media channels there are several questions left unanswered :

1. No, seriously, its it ok to watch porn, because I would really like to know if my guilt counteracts my arousal at "little lolitas"? Is mean porn with the spitting and the name calling, ok? Or just Emmanuel "erotica"?
2. If a women gets up on a pole and shakes her jollies is she empowered? What about if she does it for Joe Francis?
3. High heels? Have we come to consensus on this guys?
4. Using women of color to raise our children as we go out and have careers?
5. Should our boyfriends and husbands expect blowjobs every now and then?
6. Dude: posting sexy pictures of yourself on myspace?
7. The View is the worst thing ever, right? Right. Ok good i'm glad we cleared that up.

How great is this design?

Captain Eo + Monthlies = DEEP space exploration

What else could this possibly be?

MMmmm tastes like genitals

Once again, with the vag hate. This whole " your vagina (heh) is a smelly, excavation pit that could swallow 660,340 gallons of pool water " thing that advertisers jump on is offensive on it's own. But you mean to tell me that some Lysol infused booze that tastes like citrus and asshole tastes better than my vagina?

Are you serious? MY VAGINA TASTES LIKE A FUCKING SNOWFLAKE. ORPHANS COULD EAT OFF MY VAGINA.

Regardless, even if my cat-bag tasted like the roof of a junkie's mouth after a 4 day bender on the streets of Baltimore, it still could not taste worse than Citron.

The worst part is that this ad isn't even directed at men. This isn't your average "Hey doesn't it suck that your girlfriend's snatch smells like fish?" (two words people BALL SWEAT. why are there no ads about ball sweat! ugh apply that ball sweat directly to your forehead). No, this is directed at all those Carrie-SADshaw swilling ladies out their who like their booze fruity and their men Israeli. This is saying "Hey, wouldn't it be great if your vag naturally tasted like lemons."

The lemon flavor is key point here. It's not advertising the taste/smell of flowers, rain, or unicorn fur it is SPECIFICALLY an ANTI-SEPTIC scent. As in your vagina = smelly septic tank that needs to be DISINFECTED.

Sorry Citron, I only douche with top shelf booze.

*thankee to copyranter.

Picture what the "creative meeting" was like for this brand of junior panties ?
Who we're the brilliant marketing minds that believe it's acceptable for young girls to wear panties that endorse the notion of your vagina being used as a bargaining chip?
How big was the shit eating grin of the over-paid hack that finally came up with the final product?:

Yay! I'm hooker! Now let's watch LiLo in Freaky Friday!

What were the rough drafts?

"Who needs a savings account when you have a camel toe?"

"You'll have to pay my pimp first"

"I am not worried about fiscal responsibility because I have a vagina which allows me to entrance men to buy material goods for me"

"Ain't too young to trick"

"Hot Pocket"

Way to uphold them family values Sam Fam.

Please add your own.

Hello?? Good Taste? Are You there?

Analogy time:

In terms of addiction--

The Sopranos, The Wire, Deadwood Project Runway ::::: Finest, purest fine grain Colombian cocaine sprinkled with diamonds and happiness

as 

I Love New York, Real World, Oz, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Law and Order SVU::::: The skankiest, cheapest, cut with strict 9, Baltimore gutter crack rock.

I have no guilt about letting the former list of goodies stimulate me and rev me up with their intriguing characters and sophisticated plot points. But after viewing the latter, I feel skeezey. Like I just hustled my body for a hit of that sweet rock that has destroyed my teeth and makes me fail my court ordered drugs tests so I can never get my baby 'Destinty'  back.

 Seriously, watching Kim Kardashian is the equivalent of having back alley sex for tweak--(link is NSFW but totally hilarious).

Anyways. I'm totally enthralled yet increasingly put off by Law and Order SVU. First I got into it because of the steely eyed, flat belly, full frontal Chris Maloni and a bunch of random Oz characters.  Also, I was sucked in by the particularly seedy and salacious sometimes outright taboo story lines.

But I gotta say I'm getting more and more creeped out  by the fact 9 out of 10 episodes feature a girl between the ages of 6 and 15 describing some type of sexual assault-- last night it was Abigail Breslin!!! (OLIVE!! FROM LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE!!! NO ONE FEELS UP OLIVE ON MY WATCH AND I MEAN NO ONE!!!!)

Whether it was her step dad, her camp counselor, brother, cult leader, or Carson Daly, there is always an excruciating description of how a molestation occured, blow by blow (pun totally intended).

Now I can't help but feel that the appeal of the show is beyond a clever police drama and touches on something that is generally tethered some one's basement/kiddie porn dungeon--i.e. the sexualization of the little ones. I'm sure I'm not the first one to notice or comment upon this, but its pretty obvious that the show doesn't NEED to include such detailed descriptions of sexual assault but then again where would be the fun in it?

I feel totally filthy watching the show but then have my anxiety quelled once the Appalachian rapist who fingerbanged his cousin is given a swift --yet fair-- punishment.  But  does this make me any better than all the sexual sadists who rejoice at films like Captivity and Saw part 22? Titillated  from watching sexual and violent taboos flicker my TV screen?

But then again, ICE-T is in the show. And that man is the color-bearer of class and good taste.

*First up: Carson "The Antidote to Jesse Camp" Daly. What a total turd blossom. Daly has announced that next week he will resume taping his late-night talk show. So this royal fuckhead not only announces that he's going to cross the picket lines but he has set up A JOKE HOTLINE for his friends and family to call in and submit jokes for his opening monologue. Hey Carson, if you've run out of material let me point you towards the DalyHater who --when he's not petitioning congress to take you off the air-- has a collection of your lamest monologue one liners. Here's my favorite:

*Second up: FUCK MAXIM's spread of the 9 hottest pregnant celebrities. If you get a chubby from prego-porn that's your business and actually I am somewhat amused and intrigued about your twisted taste...So I don't have any bones to pick about the sexualization of pregnant woman. What I am bummed out about is what type of UNREACHABLE and unrealistic standards we are setting for our mama's to be. After squeezing out out a couple of humans most of us won't look like Heidi Klume. Most of us don't look like Klume to begin with. Fuck, if I DID look like Klume I wouldn't be wasting my time filling my womb with babies I would be out doing what hot rich people do which I imagine is rolling around on mountains of cocaine while having my portrait painted of nude body draped in jewels. Anyways. If you want to know what
 REAL women's bodies look like after pregnancy you can go here. To Shape of a Mother

*Third and final FUCK YOU AWARD winner: Fox Television for canceling  the show "Night Court" in 1992. The show was ill as hell and I have a total boner for John Larroquette.